I was a young 13 years old boy when it happened.

That’s when I started watching porn. Too young maybe. By that point, I actually was quite late compared to all of the guys I knew who got into it way before me. I don’t when I first saw porn, but I do remember what it was and I can still name it. I didn’t like it at all. And it never interested me past that… for a time.

Eventually, I started to have my “sexual awakening”. Watching TV and developping strong new feelings at the sight of some women. Having my first sexual and wet dreams. Don’t remember what made me go towards porn, but I did.

I watched some, started masturbating for the first times. But it quickly dawned on me that more often than not… when I was watching a video of a man going down on a woman, well… I wanted to be her, more than I wanted to be him. I started to explore other sides of porn and also my body.

I’ve had my first actual sexual experiences a few years later. I didn’t have many sexual partners, and funnily enough, I am now married, ten years after we first met, to the women with who I had my first time. We broke up multiple times for various reasons and during one of our longest hiatus, I also had sex with another guy, those are some great memories too. We never went past oral though but I loved every second of it.

Eventually, she and I started seeing each other again. Tried to stay friends. And eventually, we both accepted we were like magnets, we kept being drawn to one another. We figured out our shit, set our boundries with external elements who were trying to fuck up our relationship and and I went to live with her. And I still am to this day. That’s when I started to really figure out who I was sexually, a process which took years.

I’m in my mid twenties now. Last year, lots of things happened in my life, it was an awful year, perhaps the worst of my life. But all of that stress had the unforseen consequences of pushing out of me the femboy that was arguably, always there, just hiding in me. Can’t say she was surprised. She helped me figure it out and never pushed me in any direction, she just encouraged me to keep on digging. She always knew who and what I was. Me being this, was not a surprise at all to her and it just made her love me even more.

This also made me question if maybe I was trans. That was a whole mess of tangled questions and past traumas that I had to figure out and unwrap in my mind. That wasn’t fun at all to go through but in the end, I’d say it did a lot of good. The answer is most likely no. I don’t think I’m trans. I’m just a femboy, I don’t feel like a men, but I don’t feel like a women, I just feel like my weird androgynous self and she loves me the way I am, so I’m happy being this. We both keep on exploring our bodies and sexuality together, and I keep on finding out things about myself. I couldn’t dream of a more humane and healthier relationship.

Turns out, I’ve always been this way, naturally feminine in my way of dressing and acting, without knowing it. Which leads to lots of people not knowing if I’m a man or a woman… and I love it. I love being “this”.

And this year, I mustured the courage to go to my first pride event with my wife as a bisexual pair. I had an amazing time. I have yet to go out in public in “full femboy mode”, one thing at a time. If I’m being honest, I genuienly believe that it wouldn’t be safe for me to do so.

But maybe one day I will. Who knows. However, I don’t feel the need to right now. My dress code has pretty much always been whatever pants, oversized hoodie and fingerless gloves. Skirts and thigh high stockings are just comfortable and fun to wear at home. :3

So yeah. It started when I was thirteen and I’d say it’s still an on-going process. It feels like I’m finally figuring it all out, though. But I’m sure there is a whole lot more to discover and it’s no longer scary.

I grew up surrounded by people who were talking during lunch about how “Homosexuality is a birth defect, a mental sickness”, so, yeah. That wasn’t fun for me to live with that. Most are quite supportive now, but the damage is done and I try to avoid talking about that stuff. I may not look like it now, because it’s the internet and it’s much easier for me to express things through a written format. But I am quite discreete and private in real life. I don’t talk much and certainly not about my sexuality.

What helped me is that I met her. Especially when I went to live with her. She is also bi. She was always into the LGBTQIA+ culture and had supportive parent. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. And to all my fellow bisexual peeps out there, get yourself a bisexual partner. 10/10 would definetely recommend.

Telling all of this felt… good. I don’t know why, but it did. Thanks a lot OP, for the opportunity.

EDIT: 4 months later, if someone somehow find this and ends up here… turns out that this egg here finally cracked and I’m actually definitely trans, not a femboy, just fem. Happier then ever.

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