I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
I really don’t think its your ADHD here. I have it bad. My partner lets me get on with it and goes to bed whenever she wants. We also split chores based on our schedule and to account for my ADHD she got us a whiteboard, because my greatest super power is to get absorbed in something and forget everything. Your partner could have taken the chores that night so you could do what you needed to get help for yourself.
My last relationship was a “need to be in bed at the same time” relationship. I remember when I worked nights and had a night off. We got into a huge fight which culminated into me going to lay down on the couch instead of next to her like she wanted. She then came out of the room and beat me around the head with a metal katana sheath (so hard that it dented).
This is a less of your ADHD problem and more of a “you guys need your own schedule and space” problem. You should iron out this attached-at-the-hip thing first. It’s cute in the beginning of a relationship, but can ultimately end it in a very ugly way. It will lead to insecurity and turn into a relationship of need and envy. You gotta learn to exist alongside each other, not be one entity (despite what marriage and religion tries to tell you).
I’ve had two relationships. One for 7 years where we had to do everything together or else had to check in via text. That ended in both of us fighting and cheating (both sides) and never talking again. The second is a quiet coexistence. We can tell each what we’re going to do with an open invitation. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes we want to do something else. That relationship is on 13 years and counting. We RARELY go to bed at the same time or wait up.
Sit down together and apologize for the belittling things you said. Explain what you have written here to them. These are words they need to hear. And then address the problem of not being able to do things like sleeping without one another. If they wanted to go to bed at 9:30, they should have been able to do so.
So… the dishes were important enough for your partner to berate you about them multiple times, but not important enough for them to do the washing-up while you were out? Are they always your responsibility? Did you have a mutual conversation and understanding about chore division, or has your partner implicitly or explicitly assigned certain chores to you?
What measures of responsibility does your partner take for their own sleep? Sleep mask? Ear plugs? White noise? Weighted blanket? Other measures? Or is it all on you to accommodate them?
Would offering to sleep on the couch if you come home after they’re asleep feel like a reasonable compromise for you?
Does having a curfew set for you by your partner seem like a normal thing to you? Are you surprised that people here think it’s not normal?
Does your partner regularly use belittling or derogatory language towards you as you’ve detailed here? Does it feel to you that using such language is justified by your ADHD?
Does this situation seem like a one-off thing, or is it often a problem that you have not read your partner’s mind?
I think you’ve got some important questions to ask yourself here.
I think if you can access that still part of yourself that knows what is true and right for you then you already must have a strong sense of what you need to do. You have the right to surround yourself with people who love you for what you are right now, not for what they hope you might become in the future to suit their needs. I get a sense from how you wrote this post that you have an inkling that this relationship cannot give you what you want. Also, that it cannot give your partner what they want. Maybe it’s just that you’ve arrived in that fork in the road where your journey together is simply at an end. I hope you find a way to love your neurospicyness and that you find someone who will enjoy it with you.
There are people in the world who are patient and kind and willing to create room for your idiosyncrasies.
Take this to mean what you will.
The very idea of co-sleeping is not to be accepted without thought. If you and your partner have differences in sleep needs, it is possible that you would benefit from separate sleeping arrangements. You could totally have a quiet time with them while they fall asleep like we do with our kid, but there’s no reason either of you should sacrifice your needs just to sleep in proximity. It might bring you both together, give it a think.
Sounds like your partner is expecting you to read your mind, which can be an autistic thing. People with ADHD and autism tend to find each other.
On the other hand, you don’t need to be with someone if being with them is making you feel bad about yourself, it sounds like you’re just trying to cope. Not to say it’s anyone’s fault but if it’s not working it’s not working.
I believe this to be true because as someone with ADHD, I have the same issues with my girlfriend and we’ve both suspected for awhile that she may have autism. She never communicates her needs clearly and gets upset when I can’t figure them out on my own. I gotta find a way to convince her to get tested.
It’s your job to manage your life and your condition. In this example you were doing that by going to the group and doing the dishes upon your return, and by communicating when you realized you would be a little late.
Similarly, it is your partner’s job to manage their life and their condition. You are not responsible for their migraines, they need to have a plan for the controlled sleep schedule they need, if that’s their trigger, a plan that doesn’t depend on you having the same schedule.
The argument, that is your fail I agree, but it wouldn’t have happened if they’d just left you the kitchen to clean and gone to bed, and woken up to a clean kitchen. Who could be unhappy with that?
Sometimes when people say they can’t do things because of the ADHD it does sound like they are just getting out of unpleasant tasks by dumping them on someone else, sure. That is NOT what you are doing here. A 20 minute delay is not a ridiculous offront.
My accommodation with the husband - I do cook supper, he cleans after. Supper is done when it’s done, not at a scheduled time but in a window of “evening”. If I cannot cook I communicate this in time for him to get us takeout. If he cannot clean he lets me know in time so I can do it.
Y’all need a good calm talk, not an argument. It’s possible you aren’t a good fit but from this post it reads like you are holding up your end of the relationship. Migraine really sucks, I get them and understand. But they cannot blame them on your 20 minute delay, that is ridiculous.
I don’t understand why your partner didn’t just like, go to bed. Why did you need to be there?
Because when I come home when they’re already asleep I will wake them up and they have trouble falling asleep again. And apart from not enough sleep being a migraine trigger they also had a really exhausting day ahead of them the next day, so I can understand wanting to have undisturbed sleep.
One of the biggest things that disturbs my sleep is… having someone else in the same bed. What do they do when you get up to piss in the middle of the night, or get a glass of water? There is an obvious solution - sleep in different rooms/beds.
I’m sorry to say this, but your partner doesn’t seem very supportive. This will likely have to be a conversation between you two before it gets worse. This thing is probably racing around in your head because your relationship is important. So it’s all the more important to talk to your partner about these things.
It’s impossible to have perfect sleep every night. Maybe work towards your partner sound proofing the room so they don’t get woken up as easily. Maybe sleep in separate rooms. Many times you can find other solutions.
Not diagnosed, but me and my partner have learned that we both need direct communication. Mistakes are often made and assumptions can become set in stone. On your end, you can lay out your expectations clearly so if they don’t line up with your partner’s, they can express that. Like, “I’m going to a thing at 6, it’s done at 8 so I should be home by 8:40 unless something comes up.”
Ideally then they’d say “I want to go to bed early” and then you can either make sure to leave right after or leave early if absolutely necessary.
On their end, ugh. Sure, you knew they were up early, but it’s not your responsibility to automatically assume a change in routine because of it. Also you did communicate when your expected schedule changed.
texted me back, telling me… that I still needed to do the dishes
asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep.
Uhh, hello? That, plus repeatedly beating you over the head with “I was up early” just sounds… Not great. It’s not good either that you snapped at them, but it sounds like you were pushed to that point.
I’d suggest having a conversation and saying that you need them to spell things out for you, or at least ask questions to ensure a common understanding. Can’t stress the importance of communication enough, honestly.
…Even leaving aside how your partner seems to communicate poorly then blame you for any misinterpretations without taking any responsibility for their own bad communication…
Why does your partner need you to be in bed before they can go to sleep? That’s really weird.
Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.
It sounds almost like there’s another reason they want you home, that they don’t trust you or something.
Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.
I bet that my heart was not the only one to skip a beat reading that. There are so many people stuck in toxic relationships that have no idea that such a healthy response is possible. They either brace for impact or preemptively attack in self defense.
The problem - and as a light and sensitive sleeper I can relate to this - is that when I come home after they go to sleep I will wake them up and then they have trouble falling asleep again. I know sleep is a sensitive issue for them (for me as well, but maybe not as much) because not enough or interrupted sleep is a major migraine trigger for them, so coming home at a certain time isn’t an issue for me personally. I, too, like to be asleep around 10 pm. But this time I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier.
A light sleeper needs accommodations - not for you to have to be silent. Earplugs and a sleep mask, a white noise machine, blackout curtains, whatever - manage the environment so they can sleep soundly. We live in the world and if you want to live with someone it’s not going to be silent all the hours you want to sleep.
Again - I get how they can feel so hopeless about migraine, it does feel debilitating. That’s on them to manage though.
This is unlikely to be the only time your schedules don’t align. Y’all need a plan that works, not blame.
Okay, that’s fair.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier” is kind of a weird sentence to hear an adult say, though. Like, that sounds like you don’t have a choice in the matter, like your partner gets to decide things unilaterally and you’re left hastily rushing to catch up.
Usually what I try to do is, when tempers aren’t high, work with my partner—outline the problem and work together, the two of us fighting against the problem. Explore the boundaries here, get creative—can you sleep in another room? Is it motion, is it sound, is it light that wake them up? Can you minimize that enough to learn how to not wake them up, or can they find earplugs/a sleep mask that help from their side?
It doesn’t sound like ADHD is the problem here, honestly. It sounds like your partner has you in kind of an unwinnable situation, and the best way to fix that is to renegotiate the rules of the game.
Yeah, it is kind of a weird sentence. The thing is, I spend most evenings at home anyway - reading or watching films - so I’m usually in bed quite early myself. And when they have an exhausting day coming up (as was the case) it’s even less of an issue because I want to do what I can to help them have a good night’s sleep. But I do sometimes feel like I’m in an unwinnable situation and we have already several times reached a point where we thought things between us didn’t have a future… maybe that’s something to come to terms with. We’ve been together for 10 years and the first few years were very good but now it feels like a completely different life and the good memories a distant echo.
Your partner sounds like they have zero regard for your feelings or challenges, and care only if you are doing what THEY want, at all times. That said, you should be setting reminders. For EVERYTHING. All the time. Apple Watch is fantastic for me for this, but find something that works for you. All that being said, I’m jealous you have a partner.
Thanks for the advice, reminders are great - I agree! I’ve been setting reminders on my phone for pretty much anything but in this situation I wasn’t aware there was something to set a reminder for. I thought being home by 9:15 would also be okay.
It sounds like they failed to communicate a change in their expectations. Do they always go to bed earlier on nights they’ve been up since 5:30? If not, how could you have known that day in question would change? If they do, make the necessary mental notes and tell them it would help if they could remind you they were up early if that’s the case.
Yeah, I think pretty much always but they don’t often get up so early, so it’s not a situation that happens a lot. Looking back I could have assumed it but I’m extremely bad at thinking ahead & anticipating things. I can make a mental note for the future but I just wasn’t aware of it yesterday.
You’re not a mind reader. If they wanted to go to bed earlier cuz they got up early they should have told you that. Being a little late doesn’t justify their reaction in my opinion. If they want you home by x time they need to clearly request that. Even if they request that it doesn’t mean you have to agree. They shouldn’t be setting a curfew for you, imo.
Yeah maybe you should ask what your partner wanted, either dishes or sleep. But again you’re not a mind reminder. I would say it’s more of them to tell you clearly what they want. In this case if they wanted you to do dishes or go to bed early.
Overall your partner doesn’t sound like they are communicating healthly.
I know this post probably isn’t the full story, but from what you’ve written, it your partner seems narcissistic and controlling. It sounds like they’re unwilling or unable to extend you grace, or see things your way, but they expect you to conform to their needs.
I think it’s pretty unreasonable for them to have a curfew for you, and even more unreasonable that they’re angry about you being a half hour later than they assumed. (not to mention that you were literally at a group that you chose to go to specifically to be a better partner)
Also they get angry at you when you do the dishes, right after they told you to, even though they weren’t sleeping? That’s not normal behavior. A mature person would simply talk to you in the morning, not start a fight (I’m sure a fight has 10x the effect on sleep compared to distant sounds of running water for 5 mins) Even if sleep is really that important to them, it’s unfair to expect you to tiptoe around them. Have they even tried white noise, or earplugs?
Yeah, my takeaway from this post wasn’t “ADHD is tough”, it was “this makes me appreciate being single”. To me, going to bed early because your partner needs to get up early the next morning is a huge favour for them, not something they should feel entitled to fight about.
They texted me back about the dishes but then when I got home said they were gonna lie down (= go to sleep) now, which I did at first interpret as “don’t do the dishes now anymore” but since I saw they still light on when I came back with the dog ten minutes later I thought maybe I could do some of the dishes seeing as they were still awake. But then they got super mad “why are you doing the dishes now when I just now said I was going to sleep?”
Like I said, that’s not reasonable behavior. They didn’t clearly communicate what they expected from you, and then got angry about it. Also, if you didn’t do the dishes, I wonder if they would have been angry about that instead. From what you’re describing, it sounds like you made a very reasonable decision. But even if you were in the wrong (I don’t think you were), it’s still partly on them– ND people tend to need more concrete, direct communication, and it doesn’t sound like your partner is making an effort to communicate with you effectively
Really though, I can’t imagine getting angry at someone for doing chores, unless it was super loud like vacuuming. It’s not like doing dishes makes much noise.
Why does your partner expect you to bend over backward for them, when they are unwilling to do the same for you? Why are they expecting you to structure your whole life around them, when they aren’t taking any steps to coexist with you? (If something as quiet as you doing dishes in the other room keeps them up, why aren’t they using white noise and earplugs? You shouldn’t be expected to try to match their sleep schedule)
Also, I still think it’s a bit crazy that they expect you home by 9:00, and 30min late is inexcusable. I assume that I’m younger than you, but with my friends it’s not uncommon to show up an hour late, and stay out until 1.
Your not making it sound any better. It almost seems like you’re held hostage. This kind of behavior would piss me off like crazy, especially since I need the night time to myself. Its the only time of the day when I can finally relax and just do me-things.
Talk to your partner. If that doesn’t help, maybe suggest couple’s therapy. If they don’t comply, then it is a very one-sided thing and that’s not going to end well. I don’t know the whole story, so this may come off as harsh, but it is the information you’re giving us, which at the very least indicates that you’re not happy with the situation.
It’s not your fault that you have ADHD. Having ADHD doesn’t make you a bad person. All of my favorite people in my life have ADHD, except for my wife. But she is very understanding and helps me out a great deal. I try my best to repay that. Of course there are occasions where she’s fed up with my forgetfulness and whatnot, but that’s normal.
All the best to you, I hope you’ll work things out together!
Not to be rude but do you work a job?
It sounds like your partner does.
It is disrespectful to mess with their sleep if they have to sleep so they can get up early.
Your partner also sounds like they are being too mean about it. They are probably pissy/tired but that’s also not a mature way for them to communicate.
It feels like there’s some resentment from them and maybe some communication issues between you two.
The real question is, do they HAVE to be there for them to go to sleep? Because if they needed to sleep, what stopped them? Sounds to me like there’s a sleeping problem here and that’s not OP’s fault.
I don’t see any way that OP messed with their sleep. A simple “I’m going to bed, try not to be too loud when you come home.” would have done wonders. Then OP could chat, come home, do whatever chores quietly, and go to bed.
Whether you have a job or not does not relate to what privileges of freedom you get.
I have ADHD, as does my wife. Here’s what we’ve learned.
First and foremost, handle your ADHD. It doesn’t just go away on its own. You might medicate it away for awhile, but it’s progressive and it’ll be back. You need a combination of strategy, lifestyle changes, and medication. A therapist experienced with ADHD is great, but literature exists if therapy isn’t affordable.
My wife is a great example of what not to do. She never pursued therapy, doesn’t take great care of herself, and never developed any coping strategies past popping more pills without taking medication breaks. Now she’s at the maximum dose of adderall combined with strattera and it’s not cutting it. Since her ADHD is out of control, she’s having difficulty developing strategies to handle her situation and it is torture for both of us. Similarly, if you have any emotional trauma, get on that now. These things only become more impactful and harder to handle with time.
No one makes assumptions. We don’t make inferences, we don’t play guessing games, we don’t try to read minds. If one partner doesn’t directly request something, they have no right to be upset if they don’t get it. If one doesn’t directly state something, they have no right to be upset if it isn’t understood. It’s nice when my partner anticipates my needs, but it’s unreasonable to expect them to.
Have regular, formalized meetings to discuss needs and the state of your relationship. Important communications are finalized in impersonal, precise, “business style” writing and made accessible. We’ve had far too many agreements that led to conflict when it turned out someone later mixed up details or never understood to begin with. We have a giant dry erase board in the dining room where important reminders are left.
This is good advice, thank you <3 I am handling my ADHD, I’ve started medication and going to therapy. Those formalized meetings were also an idea I had, I definitely want to put that into action. If we still have a future together… the past couple years and my untreated ADHD have taken a heavy toll and I feel like both our feelings have already been badly damaged :(
What matters most is you’re doing something now! My wife and I have been together for over a decade and she’s only now starting to really work on her issues. I love her and we’re still together. She’s also not the sole source of issues, just the main source of ADHD issues, which is why she was thrown under the bus (for educational purposes). I contribute plenty, just as I suspect your partner does too. Don’t beat yourself up.
One thing that has been helpful for me is taking an objective as possible accounting of positive and negative contributions to the relationship, with what is being done to address anything seriously negative. It’s a good reference when I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed or am mentally beating myself or my wife up, which is never helpful.
