I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.
One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).
My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).
Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.
When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.
My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.
My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.
When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.
We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.
I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.
PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.
!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!
These are tiny, day-to-day things many couples fight over. It’s quirks and characteristics that are learned about each other over a long period of time.
Yes, you should keep in mind your partner’s needs and they should reciprocate. Having eyes for each other also means noticing and keeping track of the little things that keep repeating and establish a pattern.
Whether one keeps track of things for the both of you or you each keep track in different ways, the point is that both of you bring something that makes up for what the other lacks.
A long term relationship requires reasonable compromises that the participants can grow to be comfortable with. That doesn’t mean there won’t be arguments, because as individuals you will occasionally feel the need to refresh your individualism. But for every win there will need to be a smaller, if not equal concession in another way to maintain the veneer of equality.
Long story short, it’s good when you’re communicating. Argue, make up, talk and cuddle… it will go on as long as you want it to go.
Cuddling has become a thing of the past :(
I was thinking of posting that I was in a relationship where my partner regularly got cross with me for not figuring out what she wanted or needed “You could tell I would…” No, no I could not. (I think I’m mildly neurodivergent with aspects of ADHD and asperger’s.) The thing is that I was always in trouble for not anticipating my partners wants and needs, but I found it upsetting to be berated for not reading minds. Getting cross with me for being out doing perfectly normal things but later than expected for better, but I wanted to warn you that I found that affection was increasingly frequently withheld for my crimes and we completely lost our love life. It was We ended up friends, but not lovers.
Things that stood out to me include telling you that you had to do the washing up and then being cross that you did it. That was set up exactly so that there was absolutely no way that you could avoid being shouted at.
I worry that you both believe that everything is your fault and nothing is your partner’s fault, and I’m particularly concerned that there is anger and shouting in your home that you had absolutely no way of stopping happening and that your partner is blaming you for that happening.
There’s a book/pdf called “Why does he do that?” that I’ve come across online that’s written to help women who are in abusive and controlling relationships (with men) come to an understanding that that’s what’s happening to them, and that they can’t win because not being able to predict what will upset their partner to the point of emotional or physical abuse is by design. I don’t think this is the situation you’re in, but it has echoes of it. I don’t think that being emotionally manipulative or abusive is exclusive to men, but I think the book is worth reading anyway.
Something needs to change and I’m not at all convinced it’s even remotely close to being all your fault that’s there’s shouting and withheld affection in your relationship.
As long as you’re still in a relationship, it doesn’t have to be just a thing of the past . It can also be a thing of the future, but only if you’re willing to make it a thing of the present…