I will preface by saying I have never questioned my gender seriously, but I have at times questioned my sexuality, among other things about myself. So not comparing just sharing an experience.
When i was 20, I started getting really bad stomach problems and so I went to the doc and got checked out inside and out. They came back and gave me a nondescript diagnosis of IBS. I went through a period where I eliminated a lot of things from my diet, reintroducing them, taking notes, getting very scientific about what could be causing my GI issues. After a lot of trial and error I found out i had gluten sensitivity, milk allergy, etc. But i still had some problems even if I avoided those things. I started questioning whether it was in my head, or at least partially. And started looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Turns out, it was at least partially in my head. I had become so obsessed with figuring out the answer to my problems, that I couldn’t let go. I had gotten so afraid of eating my triggers that at times i would just not eat to avoid being “poisoned”.
6 years later, I realize now that the obsession I had was the unhealthiest part. These days I choose when I eat triggering foods, I know a lot more about myself, and I have learned a lot. But honestly, the most detrimental thing to my physical and mental health was the diagnosis and ensuing obsession. The “answer”. I think if I never had the answer, I wouldn’t have been so fixated on fixing myself. I think I see a lot of parallels between that and how you feel.
Maybe the answer isn’t what % of boy and girl you are, but what % you love and accept yourself without needing to label yourself with what you are. Maybe the label isn’t as important as the ingredients inside. Maybe if you focus on loving yourself a bit more and not trying to fit into conventional themes of understanding, you will create a new cool thing that is just capital Y You.
As far as the pronouns go, maybe by way of self acceptance you won’t need to be addressed in whatever way gives you external validation. That’s definitely not my forte.
I will preface by saying I have never questioned my gender seriously, but I have at times questioned my sexuality, among other things about myself. So not comparing just sharing an experience.
When i was 20, I started getting really bad stomach problems and so I went to the doc and got checked out inside and out. They came back and gave me a nondescript diagnosis of IBS. I went through a period where I eliminated a lot of things from my diet, reintroducing them, taking notes, getting very scientific about what could be causing my GI issues. After a lot of trial and error I found out i had gluten sensitivity, milk allergy, etc. But i still had some problems even if I avoided those things. I started questioning whether it was in my head, or at least partially. And started looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Turns out, it was at least partially in my head. I had become so obsessed with figuring out the answer to my problems, that I couldn’t let go. I had gotten so afraid of eating my triggers that at times i would just not eat to avoid being “poisoned”.
6 years later, I realize now that the obsession I had was the unhealthiest part. These days I choose when I eat triggering foods, I know a lot more about myself, and I have learned a lot. But honestly, the most detrimental thing to my physical and mental health was the diagnosis and ensuing obsession. The “answer”. I think if I never had the answer, I wouldn’t have been so fixated on fixing myself. I think I see a lot of parallels between that and how you feel.
Maybe the answer isn’t what % of boy and girl you are, but what % you love and accept yourself without needing to label yourself with what you are. Maybe the label isn’t as important as the ingredients inside. Maybe if you focus on loving yourself a bit more and not trying to fit into conventional themes of understanding, you will create a new cool thing that is just capital Y You.
As far as the pronouns go, maybe by way of self acceptance you won’t need to be addressed in whatever way gives you external validation. That’s definitely not my forte.
Sending you love and acceptance.