Racism, sexism and all the various other “hate these people” isms and phobias are arguably methods for expressing and rationalizing anger. And they’re bad. But what’s a good way?
Once a therapist told me that a lot of the time anger is a secondary emotion; that is, it’s an emotion that comes out of another emotion.
So you don’t necessarily get angry out of nothing, but you get angry because you’re scared, or disappointed, or you feel wronged, or something else.
So their recommendation was to identify the emotion that’s making you angry, and express/rationalize that instead.
As a teen, I would consciously turn hurt into hate to avoid it. I was emotionally aware enough to know that I was running from it, but not emotionally aware enough to confront it. Therapy works, folks.
I get angry because of frustration about things beyond my control that impact me negatively and can’t simply be ignored. Knowing that extra step is great and all, but doesn’t reduce the frustration or the anger. I’m sure that identifying the difference is helpful to some people who can ignore or address the actual cause of their anger.
Note: I don’t get angry about frustrating things that I can do something about, or can be ignored.
Exercise and processing emotion without letting yourself explode from it. Then, assess how you felt and determine how to avoid the situation in the future. If possible, talk to the person or people who you would like to build a better, healthier relationship with. Or, leave that portion of your life if possible, if it is truly toxic.
Heavy metal. Literally. Singing, listening, playing, headbanging to heavy metal. Just like listening to sad music helps with sadness because it provides a safe outlet for emotion. So does engaging with angry music. Some of the mildest, most accepting and emotionally well adjusted people I’ve met were metal heads. And they were social activists as well.
What works for me :
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I remove myself from the situation that caused the anger.
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I let myself live the anger for a minute or two, or a bit more if needed.
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When the anger is gone, I identify what emotion is the cause of anger. Anger is 99% a reaction to a negative emotion.
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I say outloud to myself the reason of my anger. Otherwise, I feel like the anger is pent-up.
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If my anger was directed at someone, I apologize and explain why I was angry.
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Finally, I reflect on the situation and the emotions I experienced. Sometimes it’s 30 seconds, sometimes it’s a few days, depending on the gravity of the situation. By understanding what caused the negative emotions, I can handle it better in the future.
This is a nice way to look at anger. Kind of similar to something my therapist said a long time ago. #3 specifically is a huge one.
I figured out that my issue was that I wasn’t able to identify the emotions I had.
I worked with my therapist to learn to catch myself when I get angry, then I learned to accept the anger and finally identify the negative emotion.
By doing that, I don’t hold on to that anger most of the time, and when I do, it’s a lot shorter.
And by identifying the underlying emotion, I can live the emotion and then redirect it. Overall, it made a big difference in my life.
I will always be stuck with anger as my first reaction to a negative emotion. But it is a lot healthier now.
Usually with regard to the 3rd step, I realize it’s a series of smaller frustrations that have led up to the huge angry outburst. One or two things go wrong, OK I can usually handle it. But after that, get outta the way because I’m like an exploding nuclear warhead. I’ve driven off more than one friend and roommate with my 0 to suddenly 100 rage.
This is why it is important to learn to identify the smaller frustrations to stop them from building up. Smaller frustrations are easier to deal with, so it is a good idea to take a minute or two to just deal with them right when they happen. It will stop most of the bigger outbursts.
That’s very true, smaller frusts are easier to deal with. I usually have to step away from the situation and let myself breathe and try to talk myself out of “catastrophizing” every situation.
Same for me. It works, and I can just vent to myself and move on with my life.
But sometimes, the big outbursts are inevitable considering the context. But that’s life.
Yeah I think it’s inevitable sometimes. I’m also working to try and catch myself before it gets to that point, but sometimes it just happens. I try to remember that causing damage will only makes thing much worse than they are already, and I can use that energy for something I really want to be doing instead.
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I’m convinced that there is around 50% of the general adult population that has zero emotional intelligence and lives in a state of emotional ping pong. Just raw emotional energy that is entirely at the whim of whatever happens to be in their line of sight.
Agreed. Like a scrap of paper, slave to every breeze.
Are you saying that sometimes you feel like a plastic bag?
These “isms and phobias” are used as excuses to rationalize violence, but really they are just excuses based on irrationality and on hurtful stereotypes.
So if you’re angry about someone or some group of people, the way you handle it positively is to use that energy to lift up people.
Instead of being negative and downward, trying to stomp on other people like they are bugs, what about trying to get to where you can help someone who is struggling. Doesn’t have to be a person of the group you hate, but anyone who needs a helping hand.
Think of it this way, the person you’re really mostly hurting when you’re out of control angry, is yourself. All that energy expended on bitterness and stress - why not instead use it to go out and be proactive with people. The world is a stupid place, so - go flip it the bird by helping someone out.
It sounds weird I know. I’m usually a pretty angry reactive person. At the store yesterday, a lady was buying like eight cartons of soda, so I asked her if I could help her with loading them into her car. She was a little unsure at first but then was really grateful for the help.
It’s a tiny thing. But I felt good, in a way. Sure it’s not going to change the world, but it’s better than putting more dents and dings in it.
This is a very useful way to funnel energy in a positive way. But it doesn’t really help in dealing with frustrations/anger. Those tend to build up over time and being able to act it out in a safe way can be very helpful. My suggestion is something like a rage room if available. They have things you can smash up with bats and such and let’s you take the rage out on objects that are already broken/junk. So it provides relief without hurting anyone or anything still in use.
I get that completely, as someone who could use an anger management session or two myself. I just couldn’t encapsulate everything into one brief (and it wasn’t brief) posting. I like your suggestion of a rage room, what I do is I usually punch a wall or something, which ends up hurting me more than the wall.
Trust me I know the feeling. My one and only time I punched things was enough not to do it again. I actually punched two things that time. The first wasn’t so bad since it was the drywall and my hand went through. The second thing I punched, not so good. I punched the stainless steel grill we had and broke my hand. Didn’t do that again lol.
Ouch, that sounds painful!!! I broke the mirror in the apartment I was renting because one day I was furious and punched it. What a dumb thing to do – I needed that mirror!! :/ So yeah, going around punching stuff is not a great solution, I’ve bruised my knuckles more than once.
I had a dumb reason lol. I was in high school and the first “real” gf I had dumped me after prom over the phone and I just kinda let the emotion out lol
I dunno, it’s not such a dumb reason, it seems like a perfectly teenage kind of reaction. I think most guys have been there.
Punching a punching bag, or a pillow.
