…yes? That’s what you have to do. Maybe she says no. Maybe she says yes. Doing nothing definitely won’t get you anywhere.
The issue is the “always works for me”, the same way an old white man is going to have a lot less trouble with the police or telling a handicapped person to just walk the stairs because it “always works for me”.
I asked a girl put once…she said yes. But it was touch and go there for a while before I asked. And let me be clear, I do not look like this guy. Still solid advice tho.
If she says no it doesn’t come without consequences. You can’t talk to her anymore without it being awkward, and if she’s part of a larger friend group you’re in the embarrassment is even worse.
You’re overthinking it. I know because I do the same. But realistically most women are quite relieved when you can take a kind “no” in stride because the bar is so low in this regard.
If you accept rejection with dignity, it’s not that big a deal. Don’t be a creeper. It’s not that embarrassing. And if your friend group is cruel about it, that’s good to know. They’d be assholes in that case, and you probably want to find out they’re assholes in a low stakes situation.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Wayne GretzkyMichael Scott
Why doesn’t she have to ask me out? That doesn’t seem very equitable.
Nobody has to ask anyone out, its not compulsory. Women do ask potential dates out, so do men. Its pretty irrelevant who the one doing the asking is - the point is not to put the onus on one gender but that if you - whoever you are - don’t ask, then you’ll never know.
She could ask you out. But if you just wait you’re giving up your initiative. Use your agency.
This is what “blind to privilege” means… LOL
I have had more than one. I am autistic with an anxiety disorder and ptsd and I had guys who aren’t those things always talk to me about girls like I am super pick up master just because inam decently looking and in shape. They way they talked about their experiences made me kinda not want any, too…
And no matter how much I tried to explain my situation when asking for advice they just gave sabotaging and extremely vague advice that doesn’t mean anything. I wasted away my 20s and a large part of my 30s because of shit like that.
The best advice is “women are people too, not some mystical being from outer space”. They feel the same emotions, they get hungry, they get horny, they get anxious or shy too."
Look for people who think similarly to you. I found it that I mesh well with other people who are on the spectrum, have adhd, etc. Ultimately nothing matters when you can’t approach someone, or go out of your way to find hobbies where you can find people with the same interests as you. So if you can’t get over that (or accept a rejection), it won’t work.
Also, don’t focus on a single person, especially someone who doesn’t return feelings / attention, or doesn’t have time for you at all. Even the busiest person will find a tiny bit of time to meet with you if they really like you. Obsessing over a single person for years isn’t the way to find love. Quoting a song by Tim Minchin, “your love is one in a million, but it doesn’t mean that the other 999 999 loves wouldn’t be equally nice”. If you find someone who returns your feelings, you mesh with well, hold on for dear life.
The best advice is “women are people too, not some mystical being from outer space”. They feel the same emotions, they get hungry, they get horny, they get anxious or shy too."
Honestly, this is terrible advice for guys who are having trouble with women.
I only have real experience being me, and interacting with other people, for knowledge of what “people” are.
Let’s say I’m in the park shooting hoops alone. I see someone else walking around in the park, not looking busy or in a hurry. I could wave at them and say “hey, wanna shoot some hoops?”
When I see a woman I’m attracted to, I want to fuck her. Personality, interests, etc - those are all nice and all. Those are things that make me want to hang out with a girl, spend time with her, talk to her. But if she has big tits and a thin waist, my penis says “hey, we should fuck her”, and say “what a great idea, Penis!”
So based on my own personal internal experience of being human, my experience interacting with other humans in other contexts, and your advice that “women are just people” - what I should do is see a woman in the park, wave at her, and say “hey, wanna fuck?”
However, based on every other piece of information I have about how to interact with women, I am led to believe that I should not do this. So if women are just people, but I shouldn’t interact with them in a way which is very understandable to me, then that must mean that I am not a normal person. That there is something wrong with me.
Now, based on the fact that I’ve already written this much, and the sheer fact that I’m here on Lemmy, this is probably a valid assumption. But sexually, it is not. Sexually, I’m a pretty normal guy. Guys are mostly aroused by people’s physical forms and want sex immediately, with emotional connection being lower on the list of immediate priorities. This is very obvious if you simply look at a gay man’s Grindr, where many men set a picture of their asshole as their leading profile pic and allow other users to see their location down to the meter so they can fuck Right. Now.
The reality is, men and women are different. At this point the gender studies crowd usually jumps in and says something about “gender essentialism”, or about how “everyone is different.” Great, everyone is different. But there are some broad trends we can observe, and for the purposes of heteronormative dating, we can fairly easily divide the world into men, women, and other, where “other” are largely irrelevant to the discussion since - if we are giving advice to heterosexual men - either you don’t want to fuck them, or they don’t want to fuck you. So we talk about men and women, and how you as a man should interact with women so that they will want to fuck you.
In order for a guy to improve at being fuckable, he needs to understand that women are different than him. That they want and expect different things. And this is fine. Yeah, women are people. But they are also women, and if you want to date women, you need to treat women like women like to be treated when they date someone.
I have agoraphobia, enochlophobia, and like to stay home with my cat. Any suggestions?
I said it in the comment above, if you are unable to go out / ask someone out / spend time with them, it is most likely not going to work out. I like spending my time with my cat too - but I am able of going out to meet someone in a park for instance. Maybe an online relationship with someone has a place, but at the end of the day - nothing can substitute being in the same place together.
You seem to have more pressing matters than a relationship to take care of. Finding a partner is secondary to taking care of yourself. A relationship won’t magically fix anything, worse yet, it can be detrimental to your health. A partner also isn’t there to baby you, or be your therapist. Can’t really give you mental health advice more than that, I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist. And even if I was, giving medical advice on the internet isn’t something people should be doing.
You probably need to rely on your support network, ask someone for help if possible, or call a doctor. It won’t be easy to overcome though.
Agoraphobia is fear of open spaces, enochlophobia is fear of crowds. You assume I want someone to baby me, I don’t. I just don’t know where to go to meet people like me, and make friends.
Sooo are you able to go out, meet people in the park? No? Then it most likely isn’t going to work, as I said in my post before. Take care of your mental health first.
Look for someone who also wants to Netflix and Chill. No shortage of other people who feel the same way.
Like what exactly?
Just saying ‘go online’ and nothing else for starters. I ‘went online’ in the mid-2000s and found nothing but PUA and early manosphere crap that was utterly stupid and did far more damage to me socially in the long term that I didn’t even begin to fix until more than 13 years after the fact. It didn’t bring any positive results either. But due to my circumstances I just really didn’t know any better.
Also when I did ‘go online’ or ‘to bars’ and I described some highly weird experiences that I knew weren’t normal they would twist the events so badly that it makes me wonder if they were the autistic ones and not me.
For example when I was 22 years old, I went to a bar and started talking to this woman. She was older than me and kinda vague, lied to me about her name, lied about her martial status (before taking everything back, but never telling me her real name). This was in Dubai I might add, so the social dynamic is a very different place than it would be in north america… and would also really come back to bite me later. The only shit I had to go by was offering her a drink at the start…
But here is a kicker… no one ever bought her a drink before. Apparently she literally did not watch any western media or ignored whatever was on screen. Because the whole concept of anyone walking up to anyone in a bar and buying them a drink was a legit alien experience to her.
Long story short… I saw her a second time a few weeks later at the same bar and she had some friends with her. She treated me like I was an ATM and basically thought that as long as she groped at me inappropriately (she even grabbed my head and shoved it against her breasts, forcibly I might add since I tried to resist) she could ask for meals and drinks and spending money for her and her friends (without the slightest hint of reciprocal sex). However she and friends were giddy and laughing while doing it.
I described the situation to them as I am here without mentioning the whole ‘this person never had a person buy her a drink’ but I DID add it later.
However this did nothing to convince them that they were trying to manipulate them, and they insisted that actually I should have gone for it and lost my virginity in a threesome with some MILFs that day. I am mildly exaggerating, but that was the gist of it.
BTW, just as an FYI, in many bars I went to in Dubai, they were lousy with sex workers. I did have plenty of girls touch me and act all giddy (but not ask for anything) and offer me ‘massages’ (which is a thinly veiled euphemism for sex in case it wasn’t obvious) for reasonable prices. The guys I was talking to weren’t in the middle east and just could not wrap their heads around my experiences being different from theirs.
Even with going online, they said nothing about where to go, how to make a good profile, what pictures to use or anything. Even trying to message people they insisted that you must never say anything other than ‘hi’ at first. This is even when they actually showed me what they did and had giant text walls that they sent detailing whatever was on her profile. I wasn’t able to replicate those, but their advice was just designed to make me waste my time.
Long story short. I am 41 now. Not a virgin, but dealing with a lot of bullshit. I dont care who I tell this to, but I am prepping to see a sexual therapist. I am practically writing my autobiography so I can just give it to them and bring them up to speed so I don’t waste tons of time and money just going on and on with the sessions. I need actual help and not just someone to talk to.
I’m sorry you had that experience. I had a similar, but different, experience. You keep referring to “they” who were giving you advice - who were these people and where did you meet them? It seems like this was a consistent group?
I eventually found some good advice, which boils down to:
-
Be honest. Be honest with people about who you are and what you are interested in. Some people might not like what you are offering. Some might even be offended. But this is all fine, as long as you are honest and respectful and talk to each woman with the assumption that the two of you are on the same team of figuring out if you are interested in each other.
-
Improve yourself. For most guys with dating issues, this includes things like going to therapy, building a healthy social life, being physically healthy, and generally being a happy person.
-
Talk to lots of women. People are different and want different things. In order to find the women who want what you have to offer, who are themselves offering what you want yourself, you need to talk to a lot of women.
Improving at these things is best accomplished from a place of a positive mindset, good mental health, and with a strong support system.
-
So I recently found out my ex wife had a type. A type she desperately wanted me to fit into. A type that she would make me go to clothing stores for specific shirts that look good on pretty much no one but Henry Cavill.
I did not look like Henry Cavill. Turns out around the time we divorce she goes through this phase swooning over Henry Cavill. Then she cheats on me with a dude I don’t know the name of (except I’ve unfortunately seen his dick) and low and behold he has this kind Henry Cavill build.
Fast forward several years to now. I lost about 100lbs. Started lifting. Getting swole cause it was fun now that my body was smaller. Ate more protein, added creatine. Drink lots of water. I need different shirts. I dig out some old shirts, the only ones that sort of fit well are the ones she got at clothing stores that look good on pretty much no one but Henry Cavill. Turns out they still don’t look good on me, not because I’m not Henry Cavill, but I’m not a fuckboy.
I searched this text because I thought it might be copypasta. Great read lmao
Feels like it sometimes NGL
I can’t even lie I thought the same
Creatine doesn’t actually help build muscles by itself it just gives you more energy and the long term effects are unknown other than developing a dependency so idk maybe just stick to the literal overdose of caffeine in more traditional pre-workouts.
Or don’t, it’s probably fine. I’m sure the dudes sticking $10k in tren a week into their bodies to sell you the damn stuff wouldn’t lie.
That’s what I thought too.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements-creatine/art-20347591
Plus the stuff is cheap. And its not a stimulant.
Let’s be honest. Henry doesn’t have to ask.
I should get chin implants
chinplants? Chimplants?
Chimplantees
[queue super hero intro]
Here comes the Crimson Chin!
I should get Henry Cavill implants.
UnexpectedMulaney
Just ask if she plays Warhammer bro
I feel like you missed step one there, mate.
Step 1. Be. A. God.
Bro looks like he Superman, they should have had him play Superman at some point
Instead of whatever the hell Man of Steel was
i mean people tend to like confidence, also you get to stop wallowing in ignorance. conventionally attractive or not, either they say yes or no and then you get to move forward from there. going from not knowing to knowing, that is a positive.
You should know when it is appropriate to ask and when not:
Don’ts:
- complete strangers
- people who cannot retreat, e.g. cashiers, waiters and the like, on a busy train/bus in an elevator etc.
- people clearly not in a space to socialize.
- asking for sex
- being ambigious about intentions
Do’s:
- people you held a normal conversation with before
- in a space where they are comfortable and either party can leave easily if things get awkward
- being clear about it being a date
- public place with individual privacy, e.g. going out for a coffee
- no alcohol or other drugs
Don’t forget the most important 2:
-
Be attractive
-
Don’t be unattractive
Important note: While bullet point 1 may be about physical attractiveness, bullet point 2 is not.
Most women in my experience find a clean well dressed man more attrattive that a hot sitnky styless mofo. Take care of yourself. Face card can decline gentleman privilege is real.
every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
-
This. Also, don’t put them on the spot. If unsure, give your number and let them decide. If she’s interested, she’ll text, if not you haven’t forced her to make a decision on the spot.
Definitely. Looking like Henry Cavill makes it easier, but confidence is really the main attraction. I know less attractive men sleep with Victoria’s Secret-type women. And there is actually a study on men who are perpetually single, and the common denominator is being under-confident. But at the same time, you don’t want to be overconfident and thus arrogant.
oh totally. my wife is gorgeous, and she spent a bit too much time in our social circles single because everyone (myself included) was too intimidated to ask her out. we were friends for ages, she started giving me a hard time about having her number for like eight years but never asking her on a date, my ego wasn’t going to stand for that and here we are.
To be fair, it took her years to ask you to ask her. She could have just asked too.
My wife asked me out. Only time a woman has ever done that to me. Only time she had ever done it. I thought she was attractive but I honestly didn’t expect that. Knowing what I know about her now, it took a lot of courage for her to do that.
She shot her shot and hit a bullseye. There are no good reasons for women to spend all their time waiting on men to initiate.
Sooooo… we’re doing incel shit posting now?
This sort of black pill doomerism seriously destroys your mental health. You don’t have to be a Chad to find a girlfriend friends, but thinking your not “conventionally attractive” enough to date is a self fulfilling prophecy.
I just thought it was funny personally.
It is, but they are also right.
There is such a thing as funny incel propaganda. And let’s not act like beauty doesn’t make the game easier, It’s mostly that incel think that’s the only factor because they tend to be very shallow themselves.
I just see Henry Cavill, I upvote.
Apparently we’re also going to mix it with deeply toxic envy of celebrities for seasoning.
Imagine how happy the world would be if people suddenly stopped wishing they were someone else and just realized that they only get one fucking chance to live life and every moment you spend wishing you were someone else is just a massive fucking disservice to yourself and people in your life.
You’re boring.
+1 for using “you’re” instead of what the chap above did
Ok so yes looking like Henry Cavill helps but how do you expect to go on a date with someone you like without asking them out? An amulet of Mara?
Step 1. Be a young male with a terrible home life and only male friends, learn to communicate only through irony and sarcasm, preserve a culture of condemning or making fun of any genuine expressions of emotion or empathy from others because it’s “cringe.”
Step 2. Have ONE date in your teens in high-school with another teen who has no idea what she’s doing either, have it end badly as most teen relationships do.
Step 3. Use that experience to color your entire world-view for the rest of your life and start consuming manosphere content to relieve yourself of the discomfort of remembering how terrible that one romantic experience went. “It’s not you, it’s her!” should be echoing in your head every day.
Step 4. Really internalize other people’s ideas, thoughts and experiences as long as it validates what you’re feeling. Distance yourself from women even further, convince yourself they have nothing to offer you and are less-than-human so you have nothing you can learn from a “female.”
Step 5. Don’t forget to hate yourself most of all, wallow in your virginity like it’s your entire sense of self, think about sex constantly and hate yourself for it, develop a crushing porn habit that dulls your ability to feel pleasure from daily life. Self-medicate with games, escapism and drugs and alcohol. Ruminate on your depressive thoughts until you’ve picked your emotions raw like a scab that won’t heal.
Step 6. Make your disgust for women part of your entire identity, develop political views that also validate these feelings, avoid people in your life different from yourself lest they remind you that there are alternative perspectives in the world, only your own experiences and your own misery matters. Scowl in disgust when you see an attractive woman with a man, have dark, violent fantasies about having power, control, and bad things happening to people who aren’t you. Over-correct your sense of masculinity to an absurd degree, avoid the color pink, don’t touch your own ass in the shower, sneer in disgust at any attempt by others to reach you and talk about life or offer advice, they’re just NPC’s and are brainwashed by liberal media! None of this is real! We’re in The Matrix people!!
Step 7. A beautiful, submissive woman who fits all your ideals will now approach you and beg you to marry her. You will live happily ever after.
It works 100% of the time.
Amulets of Mara should honestly be a thing for normal people that don’t want to use an app designed for shallow fucking.
shallow fucking
is that what the kids call “just the tip” nowadays?
I mean, I know it’s a meme, so what. But before getting the pitchforks out: does anyone have a link to Henry Cavill saying this? Just curious.
I searched and it’s all memes and reaction videos. Maybe true, maybe true but sarcastic, or maybe false. My guess is it has all the making of a quote that nobody fact checks because it’s too good for engagement.
I didn’t read it as being a genuine quote, and I don’t think the idea was to smear Cavill. I think he was just used a proxy for the incel talking point of only hot dudes think you can just ask women out and have it work.
I was about to ask who cares what some random dude says, but judging by the comments I’m the only one who isn’t familiar with him.
lol he’s the DCEU superman actor as well as for the Netflix The Witcher series, The Tudors, Man from UNCLE, Mission Impossible: Fallout.
I don’t think it’s relevant to this specific meme though. He’s just handsome as all hell.
Amy [Adams] said, “Whenever I looked into his eyes, I started giggling because he has this effect on you. I think most women feel the same way about Henry. He’s dreamy.”
Well, turns out I’m not gay afterall, because he does nothing for me.
I don’t know where I saw it, and I can’t seem to find it again, but I remember one video where a girl uses Cavill as an example of what SOME women find attractive. He’s good-looking, yes, but what really got her was how he can talk about his interests with such passion. I’m obviously paraphrasing.
As someone with crippling ADHD, if impassioned talking about my interests is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Problem is, the same girl who finds it attractive will find it annoying in a week or two, and all of a sudden that thing she liked makes me a jerk.
Problem is, the same girl who finds it attractive will find it annoying in a week or two, and all of a sudden that thing she liked makes me a jerk.
If you can only talk about one thing with any level of passion, yeah people are gonna get bored.
I think a lot of younger folk online really misconstrue what it means to “get hobbies” or “just put yourself out there” and other tired cliches.
It doesn’t mean having X hobby and just standing there around people is going to change how women look at you. It means you have to train your OWN brain to be more comfortable expressing yourself and finding new ways to feel about your situation or interests.
Basically, everyone whines endlessly how they wish they were someone else, but you can literally change who you are on a fundamental level by changing your environment enough and forcing yourself to feel new things. Brains just do that. But people resist the moment they feel something starting to change inside them and recoil as your ego tries to preserve itself. Then they make up reasons why they didn’t commit to change and why they can’t let go of their old-self.
Not too familiar with ADHD, are you?
Intimately familiar, that’s where this kind of knowledge of how brains works comes from, this is process that most people who don’t have ADHD go through naturally in the course of life, ADHD and ASD can make it so you end up stunted slightly and never develop the tools naturally for change and growth.
Yeah yeah well I’m sure I’ll grow out of it.
Just gotta follow rules 1 & 2
